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My date called, we’d make an actual dinner date, we’d both show up, and usually enjoy a good meal and conversation.

There seemed to be a formality to it, almost like attending Sunday Mass. Maybe that’s why I was all ears when a friend pointed to dating apps – Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, and Bumble – a free, fast, simple and user-friendly way to connect.

In fact, it has very little to do with the people playing the game, and everything to do with the way they are scattered across the board.

If you have ever been tempted by the low-hanging fruit of the sexy Internet slideshow, you may be under the impression that Los Angeles is one of America’s "Best Cities for Singles." Over the past few years, online publications have periodically culled regional data from dating websites and census tracts, made pseudoscientific calculations of their impact on singletons, then excreted the results into clickable lists. To anyone who has actually attempted to date in America’s two most populous cities, these results are puzzling.

When I last dated, in 2010, flip phones were all the rage, you spent more time crafting your text messages, and e-mails were lengthier and more thoughtful.

Facebook and Google existed, but in an era without smartphones, I was able to maintain a comfortable distance from constant news and status updates. There was a common thread to dates I went on in New York and Hong Kong.

“Men should take care of the big things, such as the house, the car, and trips, and women can find a way to pay for other things,” my father once told me. In my profile I said I was seeking a long-term relationship: no one-night stands. One person who replied seemed nice enough, asking me how I was doing, and whether I’d like to go to dinner. “Well it’s all the weightlifting and eating right,” he said, as he wolfed down a plate of buffalo wings.

Over the years, I spoke about dating and relationships with many men in my life – my father, uncles, cousins, and colleagues, who shared their philosophies about the sexes. As a first-generation Chinese-American, I was born and raised in the United States, before moving to live and work in Hong Kong, where, for a few years, I lived with my then 89-year-old grandmother. I downloaded the apps, posted a headshot, and filled in the essentials. In the coming days I received numerous “hi” and “hellos” only to be met with silence when I thanked them and asked for their name.C.’s Stockholm syndrome—a coping mechanism for having settled for a steady, dull job in a too-small town with deficient natural lighting.In the year that followed, I've learned that my friends and I were both half right: Washington is for nesters, and Los Angeles is for loners, but this has little relation to our populations’ reputations for titanium SAT scores or prominent cheek bones.Los Angeles residents are not like the rest of us, they said. A.: It looked like skeletal Asian models pair-bonding with balding producers over low-calorie cocktails.At the time, I wrote off the soothsaying as another symptom of what I had come to see as D.




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